who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
