Where is the hickey?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i dont even know how to be here
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
