Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
