Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
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Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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