I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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