Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
as a side note pls kill me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
