He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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