if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Buhtt sex?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
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