So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
