you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
