Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
