I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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