doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
