and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
