he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Randomize
