Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
