fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
