For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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