I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
