i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
