WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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