I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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