im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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