Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
