So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
