Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
