i already hear my dad disowning me
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
