You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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