Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
