you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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