Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
