please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The air was thick with penises
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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