bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
