i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
