I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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