The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
