last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
