watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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