We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
