I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
