im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
