I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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