Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
