That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
