Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
