I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
