just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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