she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
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He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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