so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
