Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
