Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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