Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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