I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
