hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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