8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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