we have officially lost it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
