Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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