Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm just crazy horny about you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
