At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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